The Mind Full Parent Carer

Parents have a million and one things to think about every day.  Am I feeding my kids the right food? Am I prepared for school tomorrow?  How will I ever get all the washing done?  Are my kids playing enough? Are my kids learning enough? Did I discipline the right way?  Have I got all the school events in the calendar? What is for tea tonight? When will I be able to do the shopping? Did I spend enough time with my child today?

Parent carers have all these things to think about and a whole raft of extra issues and questions. Did I make the medical appointment? How do I make arrangements in order to attend the appointment? Did I do enough therapy with my child today, physiotherapy, speech and language, occupational therapy, sensory programme? How can I make sure food meets their needs? How do I regulate my child after school? What will today bring? Have I ordered this month’s prescription? Keeping up to date with the law and guidance. Your child’s needs become the centre of your world.

Being a parent carer can take a significant toll on you mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Your needs go on the back burner, exhaustion is common and for me was a key issue. The mental noise of constant questions is overwhelming. Your mind can be full to bursting, you turn to fight or flight responses to situations.

Around two years ago, I yet again found myself at rock bottom, exhausted, overwhelmed, struggling daily. It was at this point I discovered mindfulness, I had heard it mentioned a number of times before but couldn’t believe it would help. I tried anyway, I attended a course, and if nothing else it was an hour a week just for me, scheduled in, spending time with other parents who understood the difficulties.

Mindfulness is something that now permeates my whole day, I practise at every opportunity, and like any other skill the more I practise the better I get at it. But what is mindfulness? It is about being fully present in the moment, in the here and now.  It is finding moments of calm. It has been proven to have an effect on so many things; reduction of stress, decrease anxiety, improve physical health, better quality sleep, improve focus and awareness, better problem solving, more compassion and kindness and stronger relationships.

There are a number of ways to practise mindfulness and what works for one may not work for another; it is worth trying things to find out what works for you. I use short simple techniques I can easily fit into my day. Life is hectic and you are much more likely to do something that is accessible and practical for your life.  It is a broad subject, here are a few things that have worked for me and I use on a daily basis.

A great starting point and something I use every day is your own breathing.  A few deep breaths can make all the difference in a number of situations, but go deeper and the effect multiplies, be aware of your breath, how does it feel? How long are your breaths? How do you breathe?  Is it through your nose or mouth? Deeply with your whole body, or shallow with your chest? Noticing is the first step.

I find awareness of your senses a great tool too.  A really simple exercise is to sit and think about each of the senses in the moment, maybe in the garden. What do you see, hear, feel, smell and taste? Or try focussing on one or two senses; next time you’re having a cup of tea or coffee or even water, really savour it, how does it smell? How does it feel in your mouth? How does it taste? Really experience the moment.

Meditation is an integral part of mindfulness, it requires practice and felt a bit weird to me at first, and I now aim to meditate at least once a day even if it is only for five minutes. I like guided meditations, I still struggle to do nothing and these really work for me. If you haven’t tried before maybe look for a body scan type meditation. I find it a good way to draw a line in the sand if I am struggling with a situation.

I have found that having mindfulness incorporated into my day, along with changes to my mindset and improved self-care has benefited the whole household. My ability to deal with the challenges is stronger. I feel I can parent and care for my children in a more mindful, calmer way. 

Why not try a little bit of mini mindfulness today? If you are a parent carer or would like more positivity on your Facebook wall please have a look at Dancing in the Rain.

Dancing in the Rain www.facebook.com/dancingintherainuk

Getting comfortable with being alone

In the past, I loved being alone, I lived alone, I had no issue eating out alone or going on holiday alone. I was a young, single, independent woman. I was happy with my own company and completely self-sufficient. 

In my mid thirties I got pregnant … with twins! Everything changed. I could feel them moving from around sixteen weeks and I was very aware of them being with me right through pregnancy.  As every new mum knows, having a newborn is a very intense experience, and for me it was double.   Up until they were eight months old when I returned to work I had an hour here or there away from them to attend appointments but no time alone, even when I returned to work I was not alone. It wasn’t until they were around twelve months old that I found myself alone.

I had taken the day off work, I took the boys to nursery and drove home, alone in my car, it was already feeling a bit odd being on my own in the car. Once I got home the silence was deafening, I hadn’t been completely alone at home for over eighteen months. I sat, I didn’t know what to do. The emptiness threw me, it was weird, I felt lost and lonely. 

It took me quite some time to be ok with being on my own and it still didn’t happen very much over the next few years. Each time I was home alone I would fill my time with being busy, cleaning, working, sometimes watching tv, but always doing.

Life is pretty intense, there is rarely time to pause, to sit, to rest or relax and I ploughed on. There came a point in time when something had to give, and that was my job, it was all just too much and reluctantly I left. This meant that I was at home during some days while the boys went to nursery. I still made sure I filled my days with busy, starting a new business despite being exhausted.

Over time I realised that in order to sustain myself, to not completely burn out self care was important, like finding five minutes to myself in the garden.

I grew to need my time alone, to crave the silence, the emptiness, to find the pauses in the intensity of each day. One of my favourite times was the walk home after dropping both boys at their respective schools. 

Then covid hit, less than six months later. It was a turbulent, difficult time for everyone. Tiny pockets of alone time were a lifeline, but very much not the norm. It felt like each time we were getting somewhere we were back where we started, I know it wasn’t quite the same as those early days of the pandemic but it was challenging. It gave me a whole new appreciation of finding time alone. 

That appreciation still came with guilt about how I use my time, feeling the need to be busy, be productive, or at least meaningful rest after long, difficult nights. The walk home, with a slight detour now that I had found a tiny patch of woodland to walk through, was one of my most enjoyable alone times, along with writing short poems and photographing the moon in my garden.  Some days I would allow myself the time to take a little longer, to listen to the trees and the birds, to stand and watch the water running in the stream.  Mindfulness was now a daily tool, five minutes here and there, to pause and recharge, my moments.

Six months ago through a series of unfortunate events I was near enough burnt out, and it’s taken time to claw my way out. Lots of things have had to change, things put in place to ensure that cannot happen again. One of the overriding feelings for me was that I had completely lost myself. My life was being mum, carer, cleaner, I was aiming to help others by developing a social enterprise, but where was I? What did I do just for me? What did I enjoy? The five minutes of self care here and there had kept me going, kept us afloat, just.

With my eyes now open wide, knowing change had to happen for all of our futures, I started seeking a new kind of alone time. Fulfilling alone time, just for me. Finding times for solitude where I can just be. This is still a new concept to me and outside of my comfort zone but it just feels right. I have actually scheduled time into my diary to have alone time, either in nature or at home. I have been invigorated on a windy walk, enjoyed reading under the sun in the garden, and had a picnic by a beautiful lake. Having time to be with myself in solitude has given me a chance to really think, to feed my mind, body and soul, to find contentment.

There is a joy to spending time on your own. 

A quiet peace in solitude. 

A comfortable calm in being alone.